An Angel, a Demon and a caravan
by icingsugar
Summary: Aziraphale asks Crowley to go on holiday with him. Unfortunately its not the kind of holiday Crowley has in mind. Rated T for language. R&R please.
1. Chapter 1

_**I do not own any of the characters, they belong to Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman. This is my second Good Omens fan fiction. Some minor slash in later chapters, don't like it, don't read. Rated T mainly for a few uses of language. Reviews would be appreciated. **_

**An Angel, a Demon and a caravan**

"Crowley. Lets go on holiday." Aziraphale's voice said quickly down the phone.

It was less than a month after the almost-apocalypse and both the angel and the demon had been feeling a little lost lately. With their mind set on one thing for the past eleven years, they found themselves at a dead end when it came to conversation topics, or what to do with their time. Aziraphale had avoided the demon for pretty much the whole time since, he started opening his small quaint bookshop at regular hours and had even sold the odd book here and there to customers(1). Crowley, however, had spent his time doing something useful: drinking himself silly.

It was a Saturday night, around 7pm when Crowley had got the phone call. He staggered over to answer it, tripping up three times on the way.

"Elllooooo?" He slurred. "If its another of those bloodyyyy sales people you can foooooook offfff."

"Crowley. It's me. 'Ziraphale." The Angels calm voice almost sobered Crowley up immediately. He hadn't heard the Angel for weeks and until now he hadn't realised just how much he missed it.

"Oh, Zira. How are you? I was gonna come see you maybe, but I thought-" Crowley started, feeling the alcohol evaporating from his bloodstream.

"Crowley. Lets go on holiday."

Crowley blinked. Looked at the phone receiver in confusion and returned it to his ear.

"We err…haven't spoke for weeks and you want us to go on holiday?" Crowley was seriously confused.

"Yes. I'm ever so sorry about that. I just didn't know what to say to you in all honesty. That's why I thought a holiday would be good for us - a change of scene, you know? To mark a new beginning too. Please say yes dear. I've made all the arrangements, you wont have to do a thing - just pack your bags."

"What? I mean, yes okay…sure Angel. Thanks…I mean, okay. I'll pack my stuff. How long was you thinking?"

A pause.

"About a week? We leave tomorrow morning. I'll pick you up about 11?"

"Right, okay. Thanks again. See you then 'Zira." Crowley hung up the phone, still slightly confused, however feeling much better now all the alcohol had left his body.

Crowley couldn't help but feel a little excited. It had been years since he had gone on holiday with Aziraphale, the last time(2) had been a delicious blend of sun, booze and girls(3) and he had a feeling this time would be no different. With a flick of his hand, his large black suitcase was jam packed full of sleek black suits, ties and underwear; perfect for pulling girls. Crowley smiled to himself as he tucked up into bed, his suitcase ready by the door for when Aziraphale arrived in the morning.

There was a knock on the door at precisely 11am. Crowley opened it to reveal a beaming Aziraphale. A beaming Aziraphale wearing grey shorts and a bright green polo top. A beaming Aziraphale wearing grey shorts, a bright green polo top, a straw hat, brown shoes and white socks…pulled all the way up. Crowley sighed, looking down at his own body, covered beautifully with a designer suit.

"'Zira. What the Hel…Heav…the fuck are you wearing?"

Aziraphale looked down at himself and suddenly felt extremely self conscious.

"I thought it was…appropriate." He frowned. "And no need to swear, dear. You're looking…pleasant."

"Well yes, I thought I'd dress for the occasion." Crowley grinned, grabbing his suitcase and following the Angel out of the door, and into the quiet street.

"Ah." Aziraphale muttered as he reached his vehicle.

"Where are we going anyw…ay." Crowley stopped as he looked up.

Aziraphale had come to a pause in front of a caravan.

"Aziraphale. Why have you stopped at a caravan?" Crowley muttered, half hoping that instead of answering, Aziraphale would simply run away back to his bookshop.

"Because, Crowley, this is the vehicle I'm going to drive. Besides, it's a camper van…not a caravan. You Don't drive a caravan you see, whereas a CAMPER VAN you do drive as well as staying in. You get me? And to answer your question, we are going to the lake district for a whole week of camping. Isn't that great?" Aziraphale grinned.

There was a long pause.

"Oh shit!"

* * *

(1) Although he did make sure they were "worthy" beforehand.

(2) 1953 perhaps. Although, now he thought of it, was it 1958?

(3) Of course, it had only been Crowley who had experienced the third highlight of the trip, since Aziraphale had refused to sin, completely ignoring the fact he had already committed sins of sloth and gluttony on the holiday.

_**So guys what do you think? Please review, whether the feedback is good or bad. Thanks for reading. Chapter 2 coming soon I promise. **_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Thank you so much for all the reviews. Keep them coming guys. I hope you enjoy the chapter as much as I enjoyed writing childish Crowley…a line in Good Omens which mentioned how Crowley always hung around 'Zira and he had to hint that he was busy to get rid of him inspired me to write this part because it made me think how Crowley can be like an annoying child at times. Anyway, hope you enjoy, please R&R. I don't own anything - you know the rest. **_

"You poncey, sissy, girly, do-gooding ANGEL! You really did it this time didn't you? 'Lets go on holiday!' Some bloody holiday this is gonna turn out to be." Crowley had his expensive snake skin boots resting on the camper vans dash board, which was currently doing 50 miles an hour on a 70 mile an hour motorway. They had been travelling for approximately an hour and the urban scenery of the towns surrounding London was slowly dissolving into the green colour of countryside.

"I don't have to explain myself to you Crowley. You agreed to come with me, I thought it would be a lovely little break for us to get over all that apocalypse business, and you throw it in my face." Aziraphale sulked.

"Well if you think I'm staying with you in _this _bloody thing, you're bonkers. As soon as we get there I'm going to a bed and breakfast and you can stay in the caravan."

"Camper van."

"Yes…stupid thing." Crowley fumbled with the handle to the glove compartment under the dashboard and gave a disappointed sigh when he found only anti-freeze and a nature magazine.

"Don't you have any travel sucky sweets?" The Demon asked hopefully, flicking through the nature magazine and frowning at the pictures of middle aged men in shorts.

"Sucky sweets? How old are you?" The Angel sighed and with a flick of his fingers - a bag of sweets appeared in Crowley's hand. "Unwrap me one would you dear?"

"Unwrap your bloody self one." The Demon muttered, sucking rather loudly on a Werthers Original.

"If you haven't noticed Crowley, my eyes are fixed on the road and my hands on the wheel. If I look away an accident could happen and we don't want that do we?"

"Yes…"

"So unwrap me a sucky sweet and stop acting like a child Crowley."

Crowley frowned and unwrapped a sweet from its golden shiny wrapper. He waved it in front of Aziraphale. "Here you go."

"Hands Crowley…"

A sigh. "So you want me to feed it to you like a baby? I haven't fed you by hand since you broke both of your arms that time in Venice… embarrassing." He reached over and popped the sweet in Aziraphale's mouth.

Both the men sat in awkward silence for quite some time, until a childish shout of "Are we there yet?" broke it.

"Crowley…does it look like we are there yet? We are on a motorway!" Aziraphale began to lose his cool and wiped a drop of sweat of his brow. He couldn't understand how he had put up with the demon for so long when he could be so annoying.

"If you put your foot down a bit, maybe we'd be there faster!" The demon exclaimed, banging on the dash board in frustration. "Your driving under the speed limit…look at all the cars overtaking us…surely that has to annoy you as much as it does me! I knew there was a reason you didn't drive. "

"I'm being a responsible driver."

"You're being a responsible arse whole…"

Silence filled the air once again, electricity of anger buzzing between the two men-shaped-forms. Crowley reached in his pocket, took out a sleeve of tobacco and begun rolling himself a cigarette.

"And if you think you're smoking that in here, you are most certainly wrong!" Crowley stuck his forked tongue out at the Angel and continued to roll until he had a neat line of cigarettes on his lap.

"M'not gonna smoke them now. Just need something to do with my hands."

Another hour passed with the Angel and the Demon sat in almost complete silence, the horrible rumble of the vehicle wheels driving over the rough gravel motorway filled the air and kept Crowley smiling, thinking of how many lives he made miserable everyday with the invention of the motorway. Eventually…

"I need a piss." Crowley whined. The Angel sighed once more.

"You're a demon. Just evaporate it away or something."

"Nah…can't. Habit and all that."

They eventually reached a service station were Crowley pissed, and Aziraphale looked through the magazines in the small shop which accompanied the toilets, the café and the burger king. He tutted at the men's magazines with names like "Nuts" and "Zoo" and then, once Crowley had come out of the men's…they continued their journey.

"I can drive for a bit if you want." Crowley smiled, feeling much better after his wazz.

"It's okay dear. I'm fine." Aziraphale smiled, keeping his eyes on the road. "You know I don't think we have ever done this. Over six thousand years and we've never gone camping together. Funny that isn't it?"

"I'd have happily made it seven thousand…" Crowley grumbled. "But no your right. We've done pretty much everything else. I guess it was only a matter of time. But still, what's wrong with a fancy hotel in Spain?"

"Oh please. Another week of me watching you getting off with hundreds of women whilst I sit alone reading a book, sipping an unnaturally coloured alcoholic beverage. Where's the fun in that?"

"Oh." Crowley immediately felt guilty. "I thought you didn't mind me and the women…"

"I do when you bring them back to _our _shared room. And then they ask you why you brought your dad on holiday with you."

Crowley put a comforting arm around Aziraphale's shoulder, and rested it there for quite some time.

"Are we there yet?"

* * *

_**So what did you think? I think most of this chapter was based on my own experiences of car journeys and hopefully a lot of you will be able to relate to some of it. Please R&R. I know not much happened in this chapter, but we're only getting started. Thanks for reading and thanks to all my reviewers. **_


	3. Chapter 3

_**AN: I don't own anything. I know it's a short one but hopefully a funny one. Please Review **_

Crowley was fed up. Aziraphale had been talking to a human couple for about _a_ _billion hours_ about caravans and camping and crap and the conversation taking place a few meters from were Crowley was stood awkwardly, with his hands in his pockets, seemed to be still growing strong with no hint of dying down. The couple were about 60 and consisted of a woman whose name seemed to be "Deirdre" and a man called "Ted." _Typical _Crowley thought.

It turns out Deirdre and Ted had been married for forty seven years, were from somewhere near Lincoln and had been to this camp site every summer for the last thirty years.

"Really?" Crowley asked sarcastically as they explained how they used to bring their three children, but now they were grown up and had children of their own, and they hoped they could some day bring their grandchildren. The problem was, Aziraphale kept asking them _questions _like "Oogh do you know anywhere good to eat?" or "Is that caravan the 1996 model? Really? You must be taking good care of it then?" And that was just encouraging them!

Crowley took a quick peak at his watch, they had been talking for almost thirty minutes and it was almost 5 o'clock…food o'clock more like. Crowley, it turned out, had not been as subtle as he would have liked at his time-checking, as Ted said "I do apologise for keeping you two so long. You must be getting hungry. I wont keep you one more second."

"Well actually…" Crowley started, about to say _Well actually yes, you have, cheerio. _But Aziraphale butted in. "No of course you haven't been keeping us. It's very nice to meet such a wonderful couple. Myself and Anthony haven't been camping before and its just nice to have someone to talk to. " Crowley rolled his eyes. "Perhaps we could go for dinner together sometime. Yes…Goodbye." Aziraphale and Ted shook hands.

Crowley almost grabbed Aziraphale by his green polo shirt to get him away. Ted and Deirdre went back into their caravan…Ted muttering "What a lovely gay couple." Crowley…who had very good hearing, almost puked up his lunch (which consisted of service station coffee and flapjack.)

"Anthony?" Crowley asked, raising a perfect eyebrow.

"Yes…you are Anthony and I am Raph. Those are our human names." Aziraphale explained calmly.

"Riiiighhhtt." Crowley said very slowly. "I'm sorry _Raph_. I thought we was on holiday…not escaped convicts. I'm Crowley and you're 'Ziraphale…the end." Aziraphale gave a slight pout which Crowley couldn't help but find adorable.

"Come on angel, lets grab some lunch."

"Yes…Ted says there's a place just…"

"I don't care what Ted says, _Raph, _I'll find us a place myself…and if I go the wrong way…bugger it. I'll be discorporated before I take directions or suggestions from a man named _Ted_."


	4. Chapter 4

**_AN: I apologise for the long wait (approximately about a billion years I believe) but the next chapter is finally here! I don't own anything! Please review. Oh and happy Christmas everyone (if you read this before Christmas…if not…bugger.) _**

Crowley had (after an hour and half of walking down tiny country roads) eventually found a pub which served food. By this time his stomach was grumbling so loud he was sure even down below could hear.

"Please control your stomach dear." Aziraphale muttered as he scanned the menu for something divine which would hopefully make up for the disappointment of the holiday so far.

"Well I wouldn't be _starving _if _you _hadn't kept jabbering on to Ted about caravans." Crowley frowned.

"You aren't _starving._ Children in Africa are starving Crowley. You are just peckish and impatient. I'll have the lasagne and a cup of tea for now dear." Aziraphale smiled as a female waitress passed with a note book.

"Steak pie, chips and a bottle of your house red thanks." Crowley muttered as the waitress smiled and walked off back to the bar. Crowley couldn't help but let his eyes linger on her back a little longer than normal. It had been _months _since he had seduced a woman to bed and it was beginning to frustrate him immensely.

Aziraphale caught this glance and sighed. "We came on this holiday to spend some quality time _together _Crowley. Not for you to get drunk on wine and chase women young enough to be your…" He paused and thought for a moment. "Great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter."

"Younger than that I'd say." Crowley let a smile play around his thin lips for a moment. "Then again, all women are nower days. I'm not exactly going to meet a six thousand year old human am I? Unless I take up necrophilia, which I don't intend."

"Why do you always have to be so crude?"

The walk back to the camping site took longer than the walk there, due to Crowley trailing behind the angel, clutching his stomach in pain and disgust.

"I think I'm gonna hurl." He gasped, bending over the camp gate post. "I'm never going to eat again, EVER in my life."

"That's really your own fault Crowley. If you hadn't _insisted _on eating three portions of pie, ice cream and two bottles of wine you wouldn't be feeling sick would you? Now really, pull yourself together."

"Easy for you to say. You're an angel. Don't believe in gluttony and all that. _Not that it usually stops you." _He muttered the last part, not wanting Aziraphale to get even angrier and make him sleep outside the caravan.

"I know when to say _NO _Crowley. I know when I've had enough." He caught Crowley mimicking his facial movements out of the corner of his eye and shouted "You are _SO BLOODY CHILDISH sometimes."_

Considering the day had been warm and sunny, the evening was surprisingly cool even though the June sunshine was still shining bright in the West.

"Luckily I remembered to pack my portable camper van heater." Aziraphale grinned once they had sat down in the caravan. He turned the tiny heater on which had glowing strips of orange inside, heating up the tiny space inside. Aziraphale stood close to it, warming his socked feet. "I thought you was getting a bed and breakfast for the night?"

"I would but I can't be arsed now. I'm too full to do anything." He sighed, stretching out on the small sofa which ran alongside the back wall of the van.

"Figures. Well, as you well know, I don't generally _sleep. _That's laziness, and laziness is like sloth, and sloth is highly looked down on for an angel."

"I'm well aware." Crowley smiled. "So what are you going to do while I'm catching up on the little Z's? Beam goodwill to Ted and Deirdre next door?" He let out a snigger.

"I was going to take a walk actually. It wont get dark for a while and it really is a beautiful place around here. Maybe I'll walk down to the nearest lake. Although, quite frankly dear, I'm not sure if I trust you here alone."

Crowley screwed up his face in a mock shocked expression. "What do you think I'll do? Set fire to the campsite?"

"No…well, now you mention it dear…no its not that. Well, I thought perhaps you would do something terrible to Ted and Deirdre's caravan."

"Like set _that_ on fire?"

"Well, I was thinking more let down the tires or something. You didn't seem to warm to them like I did." Aziraphale's brow began to develop a layer of sweat upon it all of a sudden. He grabbed the collar of his polo shirt and wafted it about. "Goodness it's suddenly very hot in here." His nostrils suddenly widened in an automatic _sniff sniff. _"And I smell…burning…"

Crowley suddenly let out a hysterical laugh, rolling onto his sides and clutching his stomach.

"What is it?" Aziraphale begun before he noticed how hot his left foot had become. He looked down and saw that his toe was sticking into the portable heater and it had burnt a hole in his sock and was working on burning his big toe. He let out a high pitched shriek and leapt out of the way quickly. This seemed to make Crowley laugh even harder and he fell off the sofa with a loud THUMP.

"Ouch. Fuck." Crowley grumbled before laughing even harder.

"Really dear…it wasn't that funny…I could have been serio…"

"HAHAHA. You stupid ponce!" Crowley's laughter begun to slowly calm down and he picked himself up off the carpeted floor. "Awh don't get all moody angel. You want me to heal your toe all better for you?" This set him off again and he fell back onto the sofa. "Oh you do make me laugh 'Zira."

Aziraphale's face remained stern as he healed his toe and sock. (1) He switched off the heater and sat beside Crowley on the cosy sofa.

"Are you quite finished laughing at my expense demon?" He sighed.

"Yes." Crowley said, a smile still playing on his lips.

"Good. Because I was thinking of taking that walk now. If your stomachs any better that is. And judging by your hysterics…"

"You want me to come with you to some lake?" Crowley asked, his brow furrowing deep into his nose.

"Yes. They are supposed to be very beautiful this time of year. And we are meant to be spending more time together after the apoc…thingy."

"Thingy." Crowley smiled at the angels use of the word. "Well…okay." He gave in.

"Thank you dear."

"But only if you buy me an ice cream."

(1) They had, after all, cost £4.99 a pair from Marks and Spencer.

_**Thank you so much for reading! I promise to update VERY SOON! Please Review. All comments are very much appreciated! **_


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